A Tale of Secrets, Shame and Self Confidence

The cutest smiles hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. And the kindest hearts have felt the most pain.

Anonymous

We all have secrets we haven’t shared. A past no one knows about. Weaknesses and insecurities we hide from the world. A story we’d rather not talk about. A tale we think would make us unworthy. Truths that will hurt. Hurt badly. But, don’t be ashamed, we all do. Our families are no different. With each their own. Shameful secrets. And like shame, secrets derive their power from being unspeakable. Some so wicked we don’t even admit them to ourselves. The shame is unbearable. The consequences of which, imagined or real, are inconceivable.

Society is held together by secrets. You pull those out, there’ll be nothing left. Not even dust.

Old woman

Awhile back, deep in the village, I was chatting with an old woman about life. In our conversation she told me something I’ll never forget.. she said, “Listen, you with young blood, the society is held together by secrets. You pull those out, there’ll be nothing left. Not even dust. We are but animals dressed by secrets” She exclaimed, as she spat tobacco and turned her face away. Like everything evil with society, most of it rests on expectations. Expectations to live within confines defined by society; clean-cut, polished and poised. The good student who goes to class singing Kumbaya. The perfect husband who wears neat suits and occasionally throws in a slim tie. A serious member of the society. The innocent daughter who listens to everything daddy says. You sometimes even call yourself, “daddy’s girl,” what a shame. But don’t you worry. This blog is for screw ups like you. Lol, I’m just as fucked up as you are. Remember, the purpose here is to be able say f**k society and its expectations; none is perfect, none will ever be.

Shame Corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.

Brené Brown

According to the Shame Resilience Theory, shame can lead to serious issues with self esteem and mental health. Dr. Brené Brown, researcher and publisher of the theory, in a TED talk ties shame to the need for connections. She posits that the only difference between folks who experience deep sense of worth and belonging and those who don’t is “belief.” The belief that despite everything, they are still worthy of love and belonging. The courage to be imperfect. The very thing we are trying to achieve on this blog. To have the ability to be compassionate to yourself first and then extend it to others. The ability to let go of who you think you should be in order to be who you really are. This, she says, is indispensable in the pursuit of connection. People with the courage to be imperfect believe, again like we always try to preach here, that what makes them vulnerable is also that which makes them beautiful.

Shame could be brought about by anything. It could be about rape, and nobody would believe it if you said it was your suit wearing uncle. Or you don’t feel pretty enough, or rich enough. Or could it be the abortion you procured, or maybe the incest between father and daughter, or the money you stole and the lies you told? Or the fats that won’t just go away, the homosexual urges that persist.. Or could it be an STI, maybe even AIDS? Or the suicidal thoughts you won’t shake? What would they think of me if they knew? Whatever it is son, every one has their own. Some way darker than you can imagine.

Because of the shame, most of us spend a good amount of our lives acting. We feel as though we need to act in order to be accepted. We can’t risk presenting who we really are and face rejection. So we keep up appearances to a point where we are not even sure of who we are anymore. Not on this blog. Here, we’ll cut through that crap like a blade on the throat of an innocent lamb. Sorry for that violent analogy. The blade is already skin deep.

The whole idea here is to believe that you are enough. That despite your insecurities, whatever stories remain untold, you are enough. You don’t need to be perfect, you never will. Whether you take all the fats in your stomach and dump then in your ass, you’ll still be imperfect. The secret is to embrace the imperfection. To be ok with being vulnerable. The best gift you can give yourself is accepting yourself and your story, whether is about being gay, raped, aborted, masturbation, drug addiction or whatever. Don’t be fooled by the nice butts on Instagram, or be intimidated by the educated folk of twitter, or feel inadequate because of the big cars you see on the streets. Everyone has their own issues. And that’s ok. It’s supposed to be that way. Life is supposed to be vulnerable and imperfect.

That’s all I have.

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