It’s Friday, social media is abuzz with people posting pics and events they are attending and will be attending throughout the weekend. This makes you feel inadequate, perhaps cursed, or maybe the devil is blocking your blessings. Regardless, you can’t take this lying down, these people should know how much of a hard worker you are, and that your G(g)od – however you like your G (Caps or small) – is not sleeping. It’s time we show them. This article is a guide on how to navigate the otherwise stormy social waters.
The first thing you need is enemies, real or imagined, no one cares. Every great (wo)man should have enemies. If you don’t have them just manufacture them in your head, it’s what most people do anyway. This is important since some of your posts will need to caption to #haters.
Second thing you need is a good (read expensive) phone, preferably an iPhone. When we post online (like twitter), you want it to display “Twitter for iPhone,” you don’t want people to think you roll with the flock, we both know you do but that’s not important, what they think is. Another reason for getting a good phone is the camera, our pics need be clear to properly capture our opulence.
Third thing you’ll need is basic social media skills. I’m not just talking about posting, commenting and liking, no champ, you’ll need a little more. Like basic photo-editing skills, throwing in a few filters here and there, you catch the drift I hope. Once you have these three things locked in, now we go to deployment phase.
Each social media platform has its own vybe. On Instagram you need great photos, on twitter you’ll need witty comments, I’m really not sure what people do on Facebook though, but I think you get the idea. Whenever you are on these platforms you’ll need to exude the right vybe. For example, when you are on twitter and you see some “stupid comment,” remind the lost soul that this is not Instagram, or that they should go back to Facebook. This gives you legitimacy, a sense of belonging, it shows that you are a serious #KOT. So get the right vybe and ooze it.
You’ll need a photo or two of you on a plane. Whether it’s Jambot jet or Safari link, these people don’t know the difference, although if it’s Emirates, then you have to make sure it doesn’t slip them. The idea is for them to know that you are not a one-time-zone person. Even if the flight is from Kisumu to Eldoret, snap it. If you can’t get one of yourself then post those of friends and relatives and caption #seeyouagainbro or whatever, just be creative. People will assume you also roll like that, it’s not your fault that they are stupid.
Another very important skill is what we’ll call the art of irrelevance. Now listen carefully, this is important. Since we don’t want people to think that we are obsessed with ourselves, although we are, we need to take pics of some irrelevant things but in the same photo find a way to sneak in our beautiful selves or “belongings.” Here’s an example, say you’ve come across a mac and you feel your fans and #haters should know, you can take a picture of some irrelevant calculator next to the mac and caption it, #Ihatemaths, just make sure the Apple logo can clearly be seen. The more subtle you can be the better. If you visit some nice mall, you know the drill. This is why I can’t overemphasise how important your phone camera is.
It would also be immensely important if you have a bae. But the bae needs to fall in line if this is going to work. If you are a lady, then bae needs to spoil you, or at least have people think that he is. For example, when you are in some matatu and you see some nice scenery, just take a short video, create a gif and caption it, #roadtripwithbae. The said bae, also needs to appear in some of the pics. If you don’t have a bae, don’t worry, I got you. This provides you with a chance to preach about the beauty of being single. We know that everyone at some point was single but, again, focus, the idea is to have them think that; (i) Our life is awesome, (ii) we love our life and most importantly, (iii) they should envy us. You can even be bold enough and just caption, #mylifeisbetterthanyours.
P/S: It’s very important that bae looks the part (you want others to be jealous of you), otherwise don’t post him. In fact, if he’s too camera unfriendly, consider dumping him. Besides, it’s not your fault that he looks like warthog. We don’t want to give haters such cheap fodder.
You also want to feign humility. You don’t want them to think that you are just some empty-headed show off. For this reason be sure to adopt the right hashtags, e.g #blessed. In fact, occasional display of poverty is encouraged – you can’t appear too much of an elitist, fans will suspect that it’s all fake – but be careful how you do it. For instance, you can take some pics in your slum and caption it #visitingmylovelyrelatives, I hope you noticed the words “lovely” and “relatives” – very important. It shows you are also beautiful inside – the crowd love that. When confronted about where you stay, always brush it off, but if you must answer, round it off to the nearest posh estate to your place.
Now here’s a warning, I don’t care which alcohol you truly take or can afford, just never post yourself drinking some cheap liquor. That my dear is sacrilege. It is forbidden kabisa! If you have to download a pic of Hennesy or crop Jack Daniels from a friend’s photo, I don’t care, whatever you do, just don’t post Black and White or Kenya King. Anything below Ksh 2,000 bob is unacceptable, the more expensive the better. The same goes to your cracked phone and your torn rubber shoes from Ngoma, ficha kabisa.
If you carefully follow these guidelines, then you are arriving. Be sure to regularly thank your mother on social media, it’s not important whether your mother sees or knows about it, use hashtag #mamaImadeit. If you are consistent enough and sleep with the right people, you can even turn into a celebrity. If not yet then know that you are just one nude (or sex tape) away to becoming an influencer. Kwani how do you think Kim Kardashian made it?
If this article is your cup of tea, be sure to share it on the socials – and use a serious caption ?, like #geniusauthor – they should know the author is not ordinary ?.. it could make you look sophisticated too ?. Otherwise, share with me what requirement or skill we should include in our second guide (Chapter 2).