KJ

It’s ok to breakup

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“You can’t have a real relationship until you are willing to not have a relationship.”

Susan Pease Gadoua

Just take a second and think about it, two total strangers, each from very different backgrounds with secrets and childhood issues “Fall in love” and head over to a church to promise each other to be together “until death do us part.” Stop reading, I said take a second and think about it… This promise is made in front of “a minister” of God and relatives wearing shinny dresses and disturbing make up.

You can’t realistically promise someone to love them till death do you part. You can’t. It’s just not practical

Now let’s be honest here guys, you can’t realistically promise someone to love them till death do you part. You can’t. It’s just not practical. Listen, I’m not saying “happily-ever-after” can’t happen, of course it can, people have done it. All I’m saying is you can’t promise it. People are known to have killed their parents and even kids, what makes you think you can realistically promise a total stranger eternal love? Eternal fucking love? I mean come on, who do you think you are? We barely know, actually scratch that, we don’t have an idea of what tomorrow will bring, forget eternity, you can’t promise to be together next week.

But then here’s the thing, the society has heaped so much pressure on couples that people are literally shitting their pants in case a breakup/divorce is brought up. We’ve been made to believe that relationships are supposed to last forever and so when they don’t we take it personally.

So you guys were broke and had lame sex, what’s it got to do with us?

We start getting bitter and expose a would be ex-partner because we don’t want the society to think of us as losers. Oooh, he was broke and I bought him this and that, Oooh, his d**k is small and couldn’t satisfy me, Oooh her coochie was smelly blah blah blah.. STFU Linda! So you guys were broke and had lame sex, what’s it got to do with us? What’s so difficult with being civil, kind and mature about things? Maya Angelou said, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

Katherine Woodward wrote a very good book on this, “Conscious Uncoupling: the 5 steps to living happily EVEN after,” in her book she says, “Much of the horror of a breakup is the insult to our expectations of how this story was supposed to unfold versus how it actually did. Falling short of the happily ever-after goal to which we all aspire is considered such a terrible failure, it may feel as though you’ll never recover. Not from the shock of it, not from the sorrow of it, and certainly not from the shame of it.” Her point? The expectations in our heads harm us than the actual consequences of a breakup.

Don’t celebrate the union of two people who’ve been married for fifty years until you understand what that relationship has done to their souls.

Anonymous

Look, to end a relationship doesn’t mean you failed just as being in one for 40 or whatever number of years by itself doesn’t mean you succeeded. Woodward quotes a renowned psychologist, “Don’t celebrate the union of two people who’ve been married for fifty years until you understand what that relationship has done to their souls.” However much you may be hurting, feeling betrayed and full of shame, senseless shame if you ask me, there’s no point in being trivial. Regardless of what s/he told you, as an adult, you should’ve known that there’s always a good chance it wont last forever. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing when it doesn’t. Sh!t happens. Take your time, grieve, cry if you must. Whatever you do, be as civil as possible.

Until you are willing to put breakup/divorce on the table, you are yet to start dating.

However difficult, put yourself in your ex’s shoe to catch a glimpse of their perspective. No one is perfect; not you, not them, stop acting like you are. And after its done, pick up your pieces and respectfully move on. Always remember, if the price is your peace, then it’s too expensive. This takes us back to the first quote, “you can’t have a real relationship until you are willing to not have a relationship,” meaning, until you are willing to put breakup/divorce on the table, you are yet to start dating. Until you are able to speak your truth which may risk the entire relationship.. bado.

I’ll leave you with a quote from livingwithconfidence.net “Relationships breakdown mainly because of expectations of perfection. A relationship can’t survive unless you’re willing to accept a certain amount of imperfection. Because everyone is always in a state of imperfection.

There will always be a reason to end a relationship. Always. The question is: how much are you willing to bear? Because you’ll have to bear a certain amount. And others will have to bear a certain amount of imperfection in you too.”

Note: If you liked this article please remember to share on the socials 👇🏿and with your friends. Your comments on the ideas herein will also be highly appreciated 🙏🏽.

About the author

Ken Juma

Thinker of thoughts, lover of life.. and death too.

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By Ken Juma
KJ

Ken Juma

Thinker of thoughts, lover of life.. and death too.

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