How to be a Billionaire in Kenya

Note: This piece couldn’t be published in a local Newspaper due to editorial concerns. So, here we go.

To be a billionaire in Kenya is pretty simple, all you need is to specialize in selling only one product and sell it to the right people. Sell hope to rich people. How, you ask? Put your sit belt on, this is a Bentley (wink)!

Preach bro, preach!

You need to get into preaching the word. Remember to be practical in your journey, nobody prays for a billion shillings and gets it, that’s for the sheep, you are a shepherd. You must understand that in this world you don’t get what you deserve, want or pray for, you get what you take. So if you want a billion shillings, stop the prayer, focus. You need to own a church in a rich neighborhood. Not Buruburu rich, that’s for poor millionaires, I’m talking Karen, Muthaiga, Runda.. you catch the drift. Here’s the math, tithing is 10% of your income, if you preach to people earning five figures it means their tithes will be in four figures.. ugghhh!!! makes me want me to puke, imagine four figure tithes. But for people earning in 6-7 figures, we are talking 5-6 figure tithes. You throw in offerings every Sunday with some bullshit activities during weekday evenings and now you are making progress. The best part? It’s tax free.. We’ll talk about taxes in detail later. Remember to make it clear that your church is for the haves, sorry, I mean the #blessed. Scoff at Kayole degenerates, they are not welcome here. And tell your followers, especially the ladies to marry within the church. Don’t risk them bringing some odi dancers to your church. We are trying to make a Billion shillings here Bish, focus. When elections are nearing, all hands on deck. This is it. Occasionally theme your services as “praying for the nation.” Again, prayer is for the sheep, you are a shepherd, focus. The idea is to have politicians in your church. You do this right and you’ll be well on your way. Use your riches as evidence of God’s presence in your life. Don’t worry, nobody will notice the irony of accumulating such wealth even though Jesus expressly warned against it. Again, there’s a reason they are sheep and you are shepherd.

The most direct route

Become a tenderprenuer. Caveat, for this route you need serious friends. I’m talking people who can withdraw hundreds of millions or even billions in cash and nobody knows who they are. Like the country will constitute commissions of inquiries and still nobody remembers who withdrew the one billion, those kind of friends. When you get a tender, don’t worry about the supply, just fill some air in some envelopes and deliver them, ifmis will handle the rest. Of course there’s a chance some over eager journalist will blow the story, relax, that’ why you need serious friends, watakusort. If you play your cards well, you can even end up in a cabinet position as a class three dropout. Trust me, it’s possible. You’ll know you’ve made it when you are called at a parliamentary commission to answer some questions. When this happens, it’s time to smoke the cigar, you are a governor in waiting. As a governor, you have the opportunity to play like yourself, and play you should son, play hard. But always remember where the real power rests, always align yourself appropriately. Don’t worry about changes after elections, you’ll just tell people you were drunk or has seen the light and switch support, after all, it’s only fools who don’t change their minds.

Lawyer up

If you hate crowds, don’t worry, I got you. But you’ll need to get a law degree or at least find a way to be a practicing lawyer. If it means faking some certificates or something from Kenya School of Law, changamka.

When you are finally admitted to the bar, remember to land the right clients. No lawyer has made billions defending people who can’t even pay their HELB loans. You need corrupt politicians, how else will you get deals representing parastatals? If you find yourself in some TV shows, make sure you curve a controversial image, the media loves that. Remind people that they are not as educated as you, scream about your degree, literally. Remember your future boss is watching, so, my not-so-learned-friend, focus. You do this well you may even find yourself in presidential elections dispute cases. This son, is how you’ll know you’ve arrived. Whether you win the case or not is immaterial, you’ll be defending the governors who played like themselves. And that’s real money. Again, winning or losing is immaterial, we are selling hope here, not results. If they want real results they should hire real lawyers.

And when you’ve made enough money, now you are untouchable. Small small court cases shouldn’t scare you. You’ll literally own the place. Rules are for paupers, you can hold meetings during covid, shoot DJ’s in clubs, burn people in churches, steal from the sick and nothing will happen to you. People with money can even escape from prisons and seek elective positions, kwani iko nini? Article is over, good luck with implementation.